Releasing Expectations..

I have to admit.. figuring out what to say on this blog has not been easy today. I have a lot of things on my mind.. and none of them go together at all. Maybe I should make this a bullet point blog, to make it easier for you readers (are you even out there?... I think it’s just my mom..) Maybe I’ll just ramble.. See, I can’t even decide HOW to write this blog. Blogging shouldn’t be so difficult.

To start, I’m unfortunately back from Swaziland. Truth is, it was WAY too short. What a week it was.. this time last week I was laying under the Swaziland sun with snotty-nosed kids using me as a jungle gym. How incredible.


However, For those of you that I’ve talked to via phone or email know that I’ve had a really hard time with laying down my expectations for this trip. If you don’t correspond with me regularly you probably couldn’t tell.. I’m known for shutting down and putting the wall up, not letting people see what I really feel. I have enjoyed my stay in South Africa and its been just as special as you’ve read .. but its been coupled with a lot of doubting and confusion.



My plan for this trip back to Africa was: 3 weeks in Swazi, 2 weeks at an orphanage in Jo’Burg and 1 or 2 weeks here in Pretoria (Alabanza) for rest and hospital ministry. Well, it has looked more like: 5 1/2 weeks at Alabanza, 5 days in Swazi, and no orphanage.

THAT CHANGE OF PLANS HAS BEEN REALLY HARD FOR ME.

I feel like I’m pretty go-with-the-flow but man.. 5 days in SWAZI? Really? UGH!!!

Not feeling like I’m doing what I think I’m here for is no fun. I want so badly to be with the people that I fell in love with last summer. I want to go and buy a car and drive to the hospital to sit with my friend Treasure whose daughter is dying of something easily curable like Pneumonia. I want drive to Maria Kloppers orphanage and run into the green house and grab David and Sandile who gave me a penny as a goodbye present last year.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


But, look back at that last paragraph. I WANT.. I WANT.. I WANT. That was MY PLAN… (didn’t I blog about this the day before I left to come here.. hmm..)

Is that what You wanted, Lord? Didn’t you have me here for those people??.. I certainly thought so. Didn’t you want me to sit with GoGo and shuck corn from her field? Didn’t you want me to teach Sunday School to the kids at our carepoint? Didn’t you want me to go and cook for Auntie Esther so that she could have a break from her 12 children?
Again, I was certain of it.

You know, I think the real problem is not the wanting. It’s ok to want those things. After all, I’m supposed to desire and seek after heavenly things, right?! Sunday School Lesson #1. I wanted good things. Sitting with GoGo is not bad.. its good.. (real good..like out of this world good.. you have to get a GoGo before you die!)

I think the real problem is the “I” in all of those sentences. I want. I need. MY PLAN.

I HAVE GOT TO TRUST THAT THE LORD HAS ME HERE (WHEREVER “HERE” IS) FOR HIS PURPOSE AND FOR HIS GLORY. Not my own.


(OUCH to the ego. It is always uncomfortable to learn that truth… it really never gets easier does it?)

He wants me at Alabanza for a purpose. I wasn’t supposed to sit with GoGo for 6 weeks ( \that is still really hard to admit). I get so wrapped up in me and in my plans and my desires that I often miss the voice of the Father. He prepares ministry everywhere. EVERYWHERE. To take it even deeper, this is a truth that Lee Grayson Lowry HAS TO HEAR. Doing it my way, I am likely to jump into something head first into something appealing without thinking that it is not God’s best. I am the worst for getting into something that looks great, but isn’t the GREATEST.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails -Proverbs 19:21

Oh my.

I’m a lost cause without Him.

Ahh.. its refreshing to be honest.

I am ok though (mom, don’t panic!)... This has been such a growing experience for me. I am not depressed or sitting in a room all alone. I just haven’t been that open to what the Spirit wanted to do in and through me.. here’s to a better effort, though!

Though short, I had an incredible 5 days in Swaziland. Outside of the short time frame, it was nearly perfect. There were only about 2 or 3 people that I didn’t get to see. I spent most of my afternoons with GoGo and we sang the one Swati song I know over and over.. and over again. How fabulous. We spent the mornings at a squatter camp where we had previously taught school and done some evangelism. Last year at this squatter camp we were faced with major heartbreak. Some of you have heard me talk about the treeline, but if not this the story.. There was a huge dump across the street and surrounding it was a line of trees. Parents sent children there to search for old food so that they could have meals for the day. Well, men would go first to search for food, and when they found something of worth, they would hide it with them under the line of trees. In order for the children to get their family’s meal for the day, the men would require them to perform sexual acts with them. Then, they would give them food and send them back to us across the street. It was horrifying. It was as if Satan was staring us straight in the face. The little kids that we would hold and snuggle with in the morning, would be the ones happily crossing the street for food. It was truly one of the hardest things I have ever had to watch, and its been something I couldn’t talk about for a while. Well, this year, we found a large concrete wall around the dump and most of the trees cut down. This doesn’t mean that the prostitution is over or that these nasty acts can’t still be performed.. but we prayed that God would protect these children and remove the treeline. We came back to see the huge wall and very little trees. I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT THIS WASN’T A DECISION BY THE SWAZILAND GOVERNMENT..THAT IS AN ANSWER TO PRAYER, my friends. That is the God we serve. He is protecting His children and we saw none of the prostitution with our own eyes this year. PRAISE HIM.


It was a special 5 days and I’m thankful that He even called me back at all.

Here are some pictures.. I hope you enjoy!

( I'm still working on how to explain it and how to adequately blog about how it felt to be back.. It was surreal. I figured until I could come up with a fluid set of words, I would throw up pictures from our journey. If you've kept up since last year, You'll recognize a lot of these faces. )



This is my GoGo. Even if you're new here, you probably have an idea of how much I love this lady. She made the biggest impact on my life last summer, and not a day goes by that I don't think about her. This is the moment I saw her.. tears came from everywhere!

These ladies are the 2 women who run the school in the squatter camp (a squatter camp is a place where people literally come and just throw things together to make a 'house' because they have no land elsewhere.. much crime exists here). Gugu, the lady on the right is one of my favorite people on earth, as she has dedicated her life to educating the children in this camp.













This little guy is Sachile, the boy who was our 13th team member last summer. He spent almost every day with us and made a special bond with many of my teammates. Its obvious he is a growing boy.. he doesn't have many teeth yet! What cutie!

This is Ncobile, and there are no words to describe her. You could start with beautiful, but that wouldn't be enough. Seriously.. she could model.. call an agency! She'll be in my wedding, so you'll meet her in America one day!











This is BUGGY!!!!!!!!!!! can you believe it? she's huge!! She grew so much (and lost so much hair) that I almost didn't recognize her. She is so much more fun now!









This was probably the biggest shock for me! This is my friend Meesha. I discipled her while in Swaziland last summer.. when she was PREGNANT! I was there for the birth of this little munchkin.. and I came back just 1 week after her 1st birthday! Baby Nosepo is BEAUTIFUL!

More pictures soon..
Thanks for walking this with me and letting me be honest. you guys are incredible! I love you!!
Lee