Let it Pour

disclaimer: this is the most scattered blog ever. I'm not sure it has any real fluidity so if you're a reader who likes a post that flows, you may just want to catch my next post.. my bad.

i've started, stopped, and restarted this post for almost a week now. i've probably lost all 3 of you daily readers for lack of a post.. my apologies.

Actually, I take back that apology.. I've been trying this whole "living intentionally" thing lately, and its kept me from coming here to write random (sometimes meaningless) crap for people to read. In these past few months I've come to realize how often I speak just to speak. I'll admit, I'm totally that person... I LOVE to hear myself talk. I know, how prideful and embarassing. It's true, however.. and I'm not going to pretend. I started to see how much I came to value my OWN opinion and to believe that I have a right to express my thoughts at every opportunity. I guess I do have that right, but my points aren't always necessary and im not always right (there are too many "rights" in this sentence.. bare with me, its been a few blog-less weeks for me.. I gotta get back in the groove). What I mean is that while I CAN speak, it doesn't mean i SHOULD speak.
If you're like me, you have that person in your life that is usually quiet, who you always want to speak up. I used to think people like that were ridiculous.. I used to think they were rude because they never really said anything.. but then I started to pick up on the fact that when they said something, they meant it, it made sense, and it was worth something. I want to be a person is slow to speak and quick to listen. I take for granted just listening. Who cares what I think anyways? I want to live with intention... I want to speak when it matters, because the truth is, that is when my voice means something.

I'm doing a one-year study of the Bible with my friends Amber and Michelle, and while reading I just realize how much stuff I really DON'T know (but of course, I act as if I do).
It's honestly kind of embarassing to think of how many times I spouted off false information just to sound cool.

So, that's why I haven't been blogging.
Well, that and the fact that I just don't know what to say.

I don't really feel like myself.

It's been a WEIRD two weeks. Circumstances have changed (I left Auburn, moved home, started AUM), but actually, the WEIRDness of it has had to do with processing. In my last post, I mentioned I was "prepared for a seamless transition back to life here". In most areas, you could say that this statement is accurate. While I don't love AUM, it hasn't been difficult for me to be there. The hard part is that my mind is everywhere but on this planet. I feel like a looney toon, with my thoughts scattered near and far. I've been having out of the ordinary experiences, and life just seems like its moving in a new direction.

Ok, actually, I don't feel like myself at all.

Maybe if I give you a "for instance.." you'll get a more clear illustration of what I'm trying to explain..

For instance..
* I was in the car with my friend Mary on Saturday. We were driving home from a bridesmaid fitting for our best friend, Amy... What should have been a joy-filled, exciting day.. was one of the most gloomy ones I've had in a while. I cried the whole way home in the car. No real reason for the tears, they just kept coming. (I'm sure you can imagine Mary as she gave me the "what the heck is going on with this girl" look as she calmly loved me through it.) I couldn't get it together.

*I watched the Olympics (with all you other obsessed freaks) the night that Shawn Johnson competed in her last competition of the games. She ended up winning gold, and while she stood smiling on that podium with the national anthem blaring, I bawled like a baby. As in, I was weeping.

*When Hilary Cilinton gave her speech at the DNC last night, I cried again. My lips were quivering. I don't even like that lady.

*I haven't been excited about Auburn Football ONCE. I grew up going to games, most of my family went there, and I always get excited to be in Jordan-Hare. I'm not a freak about it, but I surely haven't had the slightest bit of excited readiness for it this time.

*I listen to John Mayer and he makes me want to worship the Lord. "In Your Atmosphere" comes on my ipod and I get chills and I feel the Holy Spirit moving me and teaching me. I'm telling you, things are weird.

*I don't call people back and I'm not real big on returning texts. (My mom is reading this and laughing out loud.. I was the child who ran up a 500$ phone bill on more than 3 occasions). But seriously, I LOVE talking to people, and lots of my close friends live no where close to me.. but in the last few weeks, we've had lots of trouble communicating... well.. because I simply refuse to pick up the dag-blasted phone.

*I went to Auburn for a night last week, and as soon as I got off the exit, I wanted to turn around and come right back home. I do not fit there anymore. I passed the turn to my old house and felt really lost as I kept driving. I hid while I was there, dodging phone calls to hang out. These friends there mean the world to me, but I was avoiding quality time. WHY?



Let me finish this all by saying:
a) I dont really cry. I used to A LOT. a lot, a lot. But since my parents divorce and other big changes, I'm not big on tears. I ask for them a lot, and in Africa I begged for it so that I could express my frustration and compassion. They didn't come. Now, they are coming like rain from Hurricane Fay.
b) I'm not a freak.. I promise.



I don't know what's going on.. there are so many more examples, but since my mind is everywhere but Planet Earth, I can't think of them.

I just feel a heavy weight lately. I feel lots of pain for people around me. I'm hurting for the poor. I'm broken for the mom of 2 of my preschoolers who just found out her 2nd husband is dying of cancer (the first one died of cancer too). I'm torn up when I think about a friend of our family who is trying desperately to heal from his father's mistake.

These are all valid 'hurts'.. but I'm trying to pair them up with all the good I see.My mind is clouded with the hard things, and I'm desperately searching for clear vision to see the good.

It's not as if I feel the Lord is distant or that I'm distant.. or whatever. Maybe there is just distance from me and the world. Maybe thats a good thing? Maybe thats a GREAT thing.
I just don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going and maybe this is all of what He's trying to show me. I need patience to wait out this season as the Lord both breaks me down and builds me up. I just need energy and wisdom for the journey. And of course I need friends and community too, so I promise I'm going to answer my phone soon.

Please Lord, come and make this scattered brain a resting place for peace. Make my mind a sanctuary for you. Use this brokenness for restoration. Take the hard things and allow them to stir up a passion for change. Let the good things encourage me to keep going. May I be COMPLETE in your joy. Give me the strength to answer the phone, even when I don't want to hear anything about my friends drama. Give other people the strength to deal with my crap, too. You are good. You are good. Your love endures FOREVER. I choose you over emotion. I choose you in the sunshine and in the rainiest of days (which by the way reminds me.. thanks for the rain). Help me through this WEIRD, sometimes rainy life. It's good to feel less like myself if it means I'm becoming more like you.

Lord, let me dance in this rainy season. Let me see that you will fulfill your promise of a returning sun. To see a rainbow, I have to sit through the downpour. Let me remember you are constant in both the blue skies, and the grey.
And Father, if the rain is the very thing you are using to bring that 'clear vision' I keep asking for, then LET IT POUR.

I hope you will still read my blog after this nonsense. I'm feeling emo today.. I'm assuming its just the weather (even though my brother swears im "emo-tastic" and have been since 5th grade, when I started listening to slow music and writing poems about running away).

By the way, I realize this post is about as cliche and 1990's Christian worship song-ish as you can get.. but oh well. Whatever it takes to cleanse and refine, I'm in.

Thanks for walking with me in this weird season. Those of you that I have spent time with (i.e: the ones I haven't avoided or acted like a brat to), your encouragement and life has given me strength. Those of you who tell me how much you've loved and learned from this blog, I'm really thankful. You don't even know.

Hope you still like me.
Lee