Let it Pour

disclaimer: this is the most scattered blog ever. I'm not sure it has any real fluidity so if you're a reader who likes a post that flows, you may just want to catch my next post.. my bad.

i've started, stopped, and restarted this post for almost a week now. i've probably lost all 3 of you daily readers for lack of a post.. my apologies.

Actually, I take back that apology.. I've been trying this whole "living intentionally" thing lately, and its kept me from coming here to write random (sometimes meaningless) crap for people to read. In these past few months I've come to realize how often I speak just to speak. I'll admit, I'm totally that person... I LOVE to hear myself talk. I know, how prideful and embarassing. It's true, however.. and I'm not going to pretend. I started to see how much I came to value my OWN opinion and to believe that I have a right to express my thoughts at every opportunity. I guess I do have that right, but my points aren't always necessary and im not always right (there are too many "rights" in this sentence.. bare with me, its been a few blog-less weeks for me.. I gotta get back in the groove). What I mean is that while I CAN speak, it doesn't mean i SHOULD speak.
If you're like me, you have that person in your life that is usually quiet, who you always want to speak up. I used to think people like that were ridiculous.. I used to think they were rude because they never really said anything.. but then I started to pick up on the fact that when they said something, they meant it, it made sense, and it was worth something. I want to be a person is slow to speak and quick to listen. I take for granted just listening. Who cares what I think anyways? I want to live with intention... I want to speak when it matters, because the truth is, that is when my voice means something.

I'm doing a one-year study of the Bible with my friends Amber and Michelle, and while reading I just realize how much stuff I really DON'T know (but of course, I act as if I do).
It's honestly kind of embarassing to think of how many times I spouted off false information just to sound cool.

So, that's why I haven't been blogging.
Well, that and the fact that I just don't know what to say.

I don't really feel like myself.

It's been a WEIRD two weeks. Circumstances have changed (I left Auburn, moved home, started AUM), but actually, the WEIRDness of it has had to do with processing. In my last post, I mentioned I was "prepared for a seamless transition back to life here". In most areas, you could say that this statement is accurate. While I don't love AUM, it hasn't been difficult for me to be there. The hard part is that my mind is everywhere but on this planet. I feel like a looney toon, with my thoughts scattered near and far. I've been having out of the ordinary experiences, and life just seems like its moving in a new direction.

Ok, actually, I don't feel like myself at all.

Maybe if I give you a "for instance.." you'll get a more clear illustration of what I'm trying to explain..

For instance..
* I was in the car with my friend Mary on Saturday. We were driving home from a bridesmaid fitting for our best friend, Amy... What should have been a joy-filled, exciting day.. was one of the most gloomy ones I've had in a while. I cried the whole way home in the car. No real reason for the tears, they just kept coming. (I'm sure you can imagine Mary as she gave me the "what the heck is going on with this girl" look as she calmly loved me through it.) I couldn't get it together.

*I watched the Olympics (with all you other obsessed freaks) the night that Shawn Johnson competed in her last competition of the games. She ended up winning gold, and while she stood smiling on that podium with the national anthem blaring, I bawled like a baby. As in, I was weeping.

*When Hilary Cilinton gave her speech at the DNC last night, I cried again. My lips were quivering. I don't even like that lady.

*I haven't been excited about Auburn Football ONCE. I grew up going to games, most of my family went there, and I always get excited to be in Jordan-Hare. I'm not a freak about it, but I surely haven't had the slightest bit of excited readiness for it this time.

*I listen to John Mayer and he makes me want to worship the Lord. "In Your Atmosphere" comes on my ipod and I get chills and I feel the Holy Spirit moving me and teaching me. I'm telling you, things are weird.

*I don't call people back and I'm not real big on returning texts. (My mom is reading this and laughing out loud.. I was the child who ran up a 500$ phone bill on more than 3 occasions). But seriously, I LOVE talking to people, and lots of my close friends live no where close to me.. but in the last few weeks, we've had lots of trouble communicating... well.. because I simply refuse to pick up the dag-blasted phone.

*I went to Auburn for a night last week, and as soon as I got off the exit, I wanted to turn around and come right back home. I do not fit there anymore. I passed the turn to my old house and felt really lost as I kept driving. I hid while I was there, dodging phone calls to hang out. These friends there mean the world to me, but I was avoiding quality time. WHY?



Let me finish this all by saying:
a) I dont really cry. I used to A LOT. a lot, a lot. But since my parents divorce and other big changes, I'm not big on tears. I ask for them a lot, and in Africa I begged for it so that I could express my frustration and compassion. They didn't come. Now, they are coming like rain from Hurricane Fay.
b) I'm not a freak.. I promise.



I don't know what's going on.. there are so many more examples, but since my mind is everywhere but Planet Earth, I can't think of them.

I just feel a heavy weight lately. I feel lots of pain for people around me. I'm hurting for the poor. I'm broken for the mom of 2 of my preschoolers who just found out her 2nd husband is dying of cancer (the first one died of cancer too). I'm torn up when I think about a friend of our family who is trying desperately to heal from his father's mistake.

These are all valid 'hurts'.. but I'm trying to pair them up with all the good I see.My mind is clouded with the hard things, and I'm desperately searching for clear vision to see the good.

It's not as if I feel the Lord is distant or that I'm distant.. or whatever. Maybe there is just distance from me and the world. Maybe thats a good thing? Maybe thats a GREAT thing.
I just don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going and maybe this is all of what He's trying to show me. I need patience to wait out this season as the Lord both breaks me down and builds me up. I just need energy and wisdom for the journey. And of course I need friends and community too, so I promise I'm going to answer my phone soon.

Please Lord, come and make this scattered brain a resting place for peace. Make my mind a sanctuary for you. Use this brokenness for restoration. Take the hard things and allow them to stir up a passion for change. Let the good things encourage me to keep going. May I be COMPLETE in your joy. Give me the strength to answer the phone, even when I don't want to hear anything about my friends drama. Give other people the strength to deal with my crap, too. You are good. You are good. Your love endures FOREVER. I choose you over emotion. I choose you in the sunshine and in the rainiest of days (which by the way reminds me.. thanks for the rain). Help me through this WEIRD, sometimes rainy life. It's good to feel less like myself if it means I'm becoming more like you.

Lord, let me dance in this rainy season. Let me see that you will fulfill your promise of a returning sun. To see a rainbow, I have to sit through the downpour. Let me remember you are constant in both the blue skies, and the grey.
And Father, if the rain is the very thing you are using to bring that 'clear vision' I keep asking for, then LET IT POUR.

I hope you will still read my blog after this nonsense. I'm feeling emo today.. I'm assuming its just the weather (even though my brother swears im "emo-tastic" and have been since 5th grade, when I started listening to slow music and writing poems about running away).

By the way, I realize this post is about as cliche and 1990's Christian worship song-ish as you can get.. but oh well. Whatever it takes to cleanse and refine, I'm in.

Thanks for walking with me in this weird season. Those of you that I have spent time with (i.e: the ones I haven't avoided or acted like a brat to), your encouragement and life has given me strength. Those of you who tell me how much you've loved and learned from this blog, I'm really thankful. You don't even know.

Hope you still like me.
Lee

I'm alive.

I am alive.. but have spent the past week processing and readjusting to life. HOLD TIGHT.. more posts REAL real soon!

Love you guys.

10,341 miles later..

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.....IM HOME!

It's hard to believe that 48 hours ago I was walking around in South Africa and now I'm cozying up in my bed.. in ALABAMA. Technology is crazy to me.

Outside of having to pay 300$ in fees and fines (thank you, South African airways.. be expecting a letter from me soon..), my journey home was great. After the Alabanza team and I prayed EARNESTLY that I'd have either great seat partners or NO seat partners, I spent my first 2 flights (a 10 hour and a 9 hour) with the seats next to me empty.

No doubt in my mind that God answers prayer. I stretched out, kicked back.. it was wonderful!

It was certainly sad to leave my friends in South Africa, but I have overwhelming peace knowing that this season of life was over. I'm prepared for a seamless transition back to life here, with a greater understanding of who I am and what my purpose is. Along with the Lord, I have many of you to thank for that.
To those of you that invested in this journey, through encouragement, prayer, or financial support, I am forever indebted to you (I know this whole 'thank you' spill is getting old.. but you'll have to get past that.. because I am VERY thankful for you and.. ill probably never get over it).

.. You NEED to see how far your support went (and is still going..). so stay tuned.. I have many pictures and many more stories to tell... but for now, its sleep and a hot shower.. hallelujah.



--LEE

It's that time..

Hey friends..

Only have time for a quick blog update, we're busy running errands in town this morning and we only alotted like 30 minutes for the internet!
The last week has been full of quality time with my South African friends, and my roommates (below). Late Monday afternoon we took a hike up the mountain behind our house.. the walk was not glamorous.. we were huffing and puffing and passing our nalgene's around like candy... but the view at the top was more than worth it (there is a spiritual lesson in that, huh?). It was such a special time for all of us to bond, but even more sweet to be ministered to by the Lord amongst nature. He is truly a creative God.

Unbelievable, huh?

Tonight, two of my Swazi friends are arriving and tomorrow is PASSION! For all of those who gave or prayed for this event, we are so thankful. We are ll ready to hear and see what God is doing in bringing revival to this dry land. Pray for us tomorrow as we spend the day soaking in His truths and worshipping Him.


Hopefully not, but this could likely be my last blog update before I head back to America. I can't believe its already time to get back on a plane (YUCK!).God has surely blessed me with confidence about my decision to come this summer and I am at peace with closing this chapter of my journey. Please continue to pray as I travel, its my first international trip alone! YIKES! (Specifically you can pray that the Lord shortens my layover time in Frankfurt.. I'd rather be anywhere than there!)

I love you guys and I'm so thankful for you.

Lee

::LIFE OPENHANDED::

“..when we are whole, we are nurtured by what has been invested in us, and at the same time freely give of ourselves to others”

Erwin McManus (Uprising: Revolution of the Soul)

When I look back at what I have seen the Lord do here, and when I reevaluate the reasons I think the Lord has had me be on this trip, I know it was to grow me as someone who lives out of a generous spirit. I haven’t always been a faithful steward with the resources the Lord has given me, especially with finances. As many of us know, when you come face-to-face with needs, not wants, you begin to realize that there is greater purpose for your things and money besides that which fades away. I want to live from a place that sees the bigger picture and doesn’t fall prey to the petty things of this world. I desperately want an IPhone and I want a new car, but being in a place like this, I see other people who NEED shelter, who NEED an education, who NEED food and clothes. Again, needs versus wants… BIG difference. IPhones and cars aren’t bad at all.. I’m not out for judgement or to promote the unbalanced “new monasticism” that many are following, but at this point in my life they aren’t needs for me. As you’ve noticed in previous posts, The Lord has opened my eyes to so much other than myself. It’s been rooted in me since my first summer in Brazil and its now bearing fruit in this season of my life.

I’m beginning to see needs that could easily be met if we did church like Acts,

“They devoted themselves to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he needed. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.” (Acts Chapter 2 Verse 42)

Further in Acts, Luke says,

“All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had… There were no needy persons among him” (Ch. 4 verse 32)

(sidenote: I’m sitting here with one of my roommates and I mention I’m writing on this verse and she quickly blurts “good Lord! If we could only get ONE of those things.. forget selling our possessions, lets just actually be able to get together and have glad and sincere hearts!” she’s right. Lord, give us strength to accomplish even part of this.)

I’m not telling you to sell your house, although that’d be really cool. I’m just suggesting that we begin living selfless, open-handed lives that are open to sacrifice as the Spirit leads. I mean seriously, what would it look like if there were "no needy persons among us? WHOA. The truth is: none of our money.. our clothes, our cars, our food.. none of that even belongs to us. It’s all God’s, it’s just on lend to us.. he trusts us to make good decisions and be faithful with what he has given us.

I’ve got some ideas on how we can start. It’s a rough draft.. I certainly have no seminary/charity/administrative training and I could be going about this all the wrong way.. but I’m just going to be bold and go where the Lord tells me. Hopefully I’m walking with this in the right direction! (if you do have training or experience, I would LOVE your help.. seriously).

Since I’ve been here in Africa, there have been many people who have come to me and privately asked for help. For others of them, their needs are just obvious. These needs range from school fees, to water pipes for their homes. While I would have loved to have given to these people right when they asked, it wasn’t financially possible. I’ve wrestled with taking it on personally and have thought of every option to get them everything they desire, but I simply can’t do it alone. Many of you have emailed me and asked how you could be a part of ministries here. I know your faithful giving first-hand and would love for you to jump in with me as we live out those verses above for my friends here. So, take a look at these needs below.. search your heart and see if the Lord is calling you to be a part of any of these. If He is, I promise you won’t regret it. If not, your prayers are just as treasured (if not more) than your pocketbook.

Opportunities to Give:

** Tapiwa and Itai: Living Expenses **
Tapiwa and Itai are the brother/sister refugee pair from Zimbabwe. I’ve written about them a lot here and they are such special friends to me. If you’re into international news at all, you’ve seen the crisis that currently exists in Zimbabwe. If not, click here. They are under the rule of a very corrupt government, with their president using his power to cause major struggles and discord. Tapiwa and Itai were campaigning for the opposition party when things in their village became the scene for much of what you’re seeing on tv, home invasions and cruel murder of anyone who opposes the corrupt system of government. Tapiwa and Itai were doing just that.. campaigning for justice and peace. They left home to protect their families safety, and moved in with their sister in a nearby city. As the situation worsened, they eventually fled to Johannesburg where they waited and lived for 4 weeks in the bus station. Itai remembered that during a sermon at her church one day, an evangelist from Joburg had given out her phone number. She realized she had scribbled it down in the back of her bible, got it out, and made a call with a blind hope that this evangelist would answer. She did, and that lady is my friend Wapi (pictured and blogged about here). Wapi brought them here to Pretoria and they are living with us while establishing residency and refugee status here in South Africa. Again, if you keep up with the news, that’s no easy task. South Africa is unfortunately in crisis over their own xenophobia, which is the fear of foreigners. They are also out for any people coming from other countries within Africa. It’s been a nasty situation.. Tapiwa was stopped and sought out at a road block but escaped unharmed. This whole thing is a God story, my friends. Amidst it all they have kept such strength and joy.. its remarkable and very unreal to me. They know and love the Lord and it has been a blessing to watch. However, they have many needs. Right now, they have no money. We have purchased them a cell phone and a calling card so that they could call their mom and let them know (after 7 ½ weeks.. eeek.. try that on for size, mom!) that they are ok and in safe hands. Other than those possessions and some 5th hand missionary clothing, they have nothing.. and I mean nothing. They need shampoo, soap, lotion, hairbrushes, blankets, medicine, essentials for daily living, etc. Alabanza has taken them on staff, which means they eat, bathe, and sleep for free because they do work on the property. However, you don’t earn any money you just live on what they have here. They need money and desire to have jobs that bring them some financial gain. They can’t get into town because they need 12Rand a day to get a roundtrip ticket into town. Their needs may seem small to you, but they are big to them. They believe that God will provide.. if their story has moved you to give, please pray and contact me at lowrylg@gmail.com. As soon as I get your email we will go from there.

** Gugu’s school: Expansion Costs **
In my post-swazi post, you met GuGu, the lady who started the River of Life Christian school in the squatter camp. She is an amazing woman who has sacrificed her life to educate the poorest of the poor. She herself has no money and has a stipend that she sometimes gets. She has no car, she walks or comes by bus to her school everyday. When I think of her, the word fighter comes to mind. She fights for her children and has made them her priority. It’s obvious too, these children feel treasured and accepted in her presence (something they don’t feel anywhere else). We were sitting with her one day last week and we just started asking her about her dreams. We asked her “if you could do anything, be anywhere, what would you do and where would you go?” She said confidently “I’m right where I’m supposed to be”. Of course she said that! I’m sure you can picture us as we kept saying, “but really…” .. but she maintained her answer. She wouldn’t choose any other way of life. Thanks to a church sponsor the kids were able to get uniforms this year. The next movement for the school is to expand. The picture to the left is the school where they currently hold class. It works, but the holes and open air often make it difficult for learning. Her vision is to open a boarding school and take these children out of the squatter camp. She desires to teach them life skills and responsibilities to prepare them for the real world. THIS IS HUGE. No one I have met in Swazi cares enough or is willing enough to invest in children like this. These kids are the future of this dying nation, and they could be the very thing that turns it all around. She caught vision of this boarding school from The Lord nearly a year ago, but has no incoming support to even start the process. She already has the land where it can be built, she just needs to cover construction costs as well as the furnishings… daily expenses like eating and water will factor in as time goes on. Right now, she said she could build the 4-room building for 10,000 Rand. That is $1298.70 in America. It’s so do-able. If the River of Life story has moved you to give, please pray and contact me at lowrylg@gmail.com. As soon as I get your email we will go from there.

**Sachile: School Fees**
Sachile is the cutest little guy around. He was the 13th member of our team last year, doing most things as we did. He lived directly behind our homestead and some mornings we would find him dirty as if he had slept outside. We had no confirmation if he had in fact been kicked out of his house, but we know that the situation in his home was not good. The only family we knew he had was his grandfather, and what we heard about him wasn’t a healthy environment for a 7 year old. He is a special little guy who needs direction and guidance as he grows. Being parentless with no discipline or boundaries leaves a lot of room for pushing the limits. One of the AIM staffers told me that he needs the rest of his school fees to finish the year. He is attending now, but he has to stop if no one picks up this need. I know that there are different organizations involved in school placements in this area of Swaziland, but I’m not sure if he will continue to fall under their work or not. Just in case, I have placed his need here and if you’d like to keep him in school, please pray and contact me at lowrylg@gmail.com. As soon as I get your email we will go from there.


**Ncobile- University School Sponsorship**
Also in my “Releasing Expectations” post, I introduced you to my friend Ncobile. I don’t know how to describe her adequately, she is truly one of those people that you can’t find words to describe.. ask anyone who has met her. It is a blessing to call her friend, she is so much more to me than someone I know in Swaziland. She has been a faithful sister to me this year and I feel it a blessing to share life with her. She is so wise and desires NOTHING more than to be with the Lord. AIM (adventures in missions) has taken her on staff and she is currently in their discipleship program. She spends her days between driving around American teams in the big AIM van and discipling the youth in villages around Swazi. At one point last year, we were really seeking the Lord on having her come to America for a while.. and after much prayer we knew it wasn’t right. Ncobile wrote me one day, “theres just too much for me to do here.. it’s not time”. She isn’t running from the hardships that are pressing on her and her people, she is pressing into the hardships with strength from the Lord. I’m telling you, this girl is unreal.
Just before leaving Swazi last week, she opened her heart and became vulnerable about what she really felt the Lord was calling her to do. The Lord has been telling Ncobile that she was to go to school (university) to pursue her dream of Child Psychology. She said the Lord told her he would provide the finances, that she just needed to trust him. Then during our conversation, she broke down, saying that missionary after missionary had promised to send her the money, and hadn’t followed through. She was faithful in having the humility to ask, but they never came through with their end of the deal. After 2 years of waiting, she knows this is still the Lord’s will for her life and she’s waiting to see it come to life. Let’s come around her and support her dream of counseling the broken children of Swaziland.. that’s no small calling. If you feel led to give, please pray and contact me at lowrylg@gmail.com. As soon as I get your email we will go from there.

I'm praying that as The Lord leads, you and I will take an active role in meeting the needs of our brothers and sisters.

Some ‘giving’ verses to pray on:
“But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth” 1 John 3:17

“He has told you O man what is good and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God..” Micah 6:8

As Paul is speaking on the cheerful giver he says, “.. This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!” 2 Corinthians 9:12-15

“Defend the cause of the weak and the fatherless, maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy: deliver them from the hands of the wicked” Psalm 82:3

Let me end by saying that I don’t want to be the one who comes to westernize this world and make it something that its not. This is NOT about handouts.. these people have meant so much to me and the Lord has made known to me their hearts. Know that these needs are not selfish, but are crucial to their lives and to the advancement of the Kingdom. Of course, these are not the only ones in need.. just the ones the Lord has shared with me.

Let’s pray about blessing them together.

-Lee